Remembering When My Life Changed

Every time I write a post, I obviously look back to the various experiences from my own dance life so I can remember how I felt, what I did, and what I wish I had done better in order to help you as much as possible. A lot of the experiences that I share with you focus on the hard parts of the dance world and how to get through the tough times, but that’s just because I don’t think many of you need advice when you are happy or succeeding in your dancing. But in case the darker tones of some of my posts make you question the rewards of the dance world, today I wanted to share one of the many good stories and experiences I’ve had that I wouldn't trade for anything. In fact, this is one of my favorite times in my life to relive so I’m excited to share it with you all. This is about the week that my life changed completely.

My partner Silas Farley from the
Student Choreographic Workshop

I was seventeen and had just started my third and final year at The School of American Ballet. Even though we were hardly three weeks into the year, it was already exciting. I had choreographed a ballet on my two best friends and danced in a ballet with another dear friend for SAB’s Student Choreographic Workshop. The day after those performances finished, I, along with most of my friends, was chosen to be a part of the New York Choreographic Institute’s 10^th Anniversary performance. At SAB, you don’t get to perform much since the focus is on polishing your technique, so to be able to perform two separate shows within the first month of the year was beyond exciting. It gave us all a confidence that livened up our dancing, and it made us closer with one another as we focused on enjoying dancing together instead of competing with one another.

Rehearsals for the NYCI were long and grueling, but we were having so much being a part of something special that it didn’t matter. After rehearsals ended each night, my two best friends and I would go upstairs to the dorms, where we all lived together, to talk and laugh, usually until the wee  hours of the morning. (Shh! Don’t tell my RA)

Obviously, completely focused for our
performance!

Call it youth, but somehow we were never really affected by the lack of sleep as we continued this routine for most of the fall, never questioning if we should go to bed. There was something about that time in my life where I felt pretty unstoppable. Spending every waking moment with your friends: living, dancing, talking, and laughing gives you an unbeatable support system. It makes you feel like you can do anything because you know they have your back.

We all clung to this amazing support and on one Thursday night at the end of October, we, as usual, stayed up all night talking, but this time about our fears of not succeeding in our lifelong dreams of becoming members of the New York City Ballet together. Even though we had diligently trained at the school, worked so hard, and literally did everything that was ever asked of us, the dream still seemed so out of reach and intangible. I remember having a small panic attack at the realization that this life and these friendships wouldn’t last forever, and we wouldn’t always be able to be around for one another if we didn't all get into the company.

The next morning we dragged ourselves to class, knowing full well we were going to dance horribly from exhaustion. All through class the fear of my happiness and security ending nagged at me and I couldn’t focus at all. After class, I was sitting in the studio remarking at how tired and disheveled I both looked and felt, when our director’s assistant came in to tell me that Kay Mazzo, our director, wanted to speak with me in fifteen minutes.

Immediately I thought I was in trouble. I mean I had had a terrible class and looked like death. I assumed she wanted to yell at me for not taking this year seriously enough, and I immediately started coming up with excuses and apologies to save myself. Fifteen minutes never went by so slowly as when I was sitting there outside her office awaiting my scolding.

About one minute before my scheduled meeting, a fellow classmate walked up to me saying she had a meeting too. Then Peter Martins, the Ballet Master in Chief of the New York City Ballet, walked into Kay’s office and told us to follow. Inside the office were all of my teachers waiting for us, staring at us in silence. Stupidly enough, the only thought in my head was how I wished that I was not wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt  I felt like I showed up in my pajamas to the most important day in my life!

Finally, after what felt like hours, Peter spoke and said that he wanted us to become apprentices with the New York City Ballet starting Tuesday. I was speechless, which I guess forced him to ask, “Do you want to be an apprentice?”

With Meaghan pre-dancing my ballet

“Um, yes of course!” was my response, and I was then congratulated and hugged by all the people that had prepared me for this day. It was really a remarkable moment when all the teachers that had invested their time, day in and day out, correcting you and teaching you, to get to watch you succeed and start a new chapter of your life. I was about to become a professional dancer with the New York City Ballet, and I immediately got to thank everyone who helped me achieve it. That was pretty amazing.

Immediately after the meeting, I ran to find my friend Meaghan to tell her the good news. My other friend was in the men’s class but I couldn’t wait so I actually stuck my head into the studio (something taboo in ballet class) to tell him the news. When he came out we all remarked about how weirdly coincidental this was to what we were just freaking out about a few hours before. My one friend said, “Well you held up your end of the deal, now it’s just up to Meaghan and I to not screw it up!”

Bringing Toy Story to life 

That weekend was filled with congratulatory events as well as Halloween where we all had a blast dressing up as Toy Story. In some ways it was the perfect way to say goodbye being a student and my old life—by dressing up like a child one last time! I started that Tuesday with the New York City Ballet and dove right into the brunt of Nutcracker rehearsals, company class, and the life of a professional dancer. Two days later I turned eighteen and couldn’t have asked for a better present than the security of a livelong dream being fulfilled.

At the dormitory, turning eighteen also meant no more rules or curfew, which meant I was free to live my life as I pleased in New York City like an actual adult. In one week, I had gone from a student fearing the future and bound to rules restricting my every move, to a professional dancer with all of those fears relinquished as I freely embarked on what would become my new life.

In case you’re wondering, both of my friends got into the New York City Ballet at the end of that year. Despite all of our talking of losing our friendships and lives changing, none of it really has. Of course, friendships do change over time, but we are all still extremely close, love dancing together and hang out as often as possible. In fact, we all live within four blocks of one another! The endless support that we felt back then has stayed too, as I can still depend on them for anything, even just to watch in the wings when I perform to calm my nerves.

Meaghan and I committing to our characters

The dance world can be really stressful and confusing, and this time in my life was no different. But regardless of the worry, it was one of my favorite times and experiences that would have never happened if I wasn’t a dancer. I would never know the two people I consider my best friends if I had let the trials of the dance world break me down or make me quit. This story documents a time in my life when everything fell into place despite my overwhelming panic about it. I love looking back on that night and remembering how happy we all were and smiling at how dramatic and irrational our fears of losing it all were. This week was the start of the life I live today, and I couldn’t ask for a more memorable beginning!